Chapter 21: Can you be a good girl for me?

 A future decided, so long ago.
Choices are made, both kind and cruel.
Safety given, safely lost.
Christina starts to slip.

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Day 57
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"I can't stress this enough, Christina. It's very important for us to make good impressions with the Highcastles during dinner. If there was ever a time to make sure you're as well behaved as you can possibly be, it's now. Understood?" 

Lena was taking out her own nervous energy on my hair. It wasn't like it had been tangled before, I had brushed it as soon as I got up this morning. But after she had helped me get dressed properly, she had spent the last five minutes lecturing me about manners, and brushing my hair until my scalp hurt.

"I understand, Lena. I promise." I tried to reassure her. It was strange, I actually meant it. I could tell that for some reason, this dinner was important to my guardian, and I actually found myself wanting it to go well for her. It wasn't easy for me seeing her like this, to be honest. While I was in this new and unknown environment, I wanted her to be her normal casually in control self, but she wasn't. Honestly, it left me feeling almost lost.

I let myself drift into my own eyes as I stared into the mirror in front of me. At least the dress was gorgeous. The green and black dress complimented my hair perfectly, the long elbow length sleeves allowing me some small amount of maturity that I had missed having in recent months. Though, one thing had noticeably changed about the dress, the skirt was now a few inches shorter, coming down just above the knee. The reduction in length did push the dress in a more childish direction, but it was still more than a fair compromise considering.

"Good girl. Now, we're going to be discussing some very complicated political issues all throughout the evening. I know you might have thoughts or questions. But please, unless you're directly called upon, keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself. Okay? If they're really important, you can bring them up to me later."

I nodded to my guardians request. It was probably easier that way. I remembered how I interjected into the conversation with Richard last night, that didn't go well either. Keeping my mouth shut was probably better for everyone.

Lena sighed and finally put the brush down, much to my relief. "Thank you, darling. I appreciate you." She said, before giving me the smallest peck on the side of my head.

The kiss actually caught me off guard for a moment, unsure how to react to it. It was strange, confusing even. Lena seemed not to notice as she quickly turned her attention to other things.

There was a sudden knock on the door, and Rowan poked his head in. He looked extremely formal in this evening's suit, even more so than usual. "Girls, it's time." He announced.

Lena took a deep breath in and sighed, steadying herself before what was, for reasons I still didn't understand, a very important event. Turning towards me, she held out her hand expectantly. Without even thinking I hurried over and grabbed it. Time for us to go.

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Dinner felt a lot more intimate than I had anticipated it would be, though maybe that was foolish to have thought otherwise. I almost expected it to be some ultra-formal event like a court hearing or something, but no. It was simply the ten of us around a table, in one of Wintermere's smaller dinning halls.

Sitting down at the table, it was clear the seating had been arranged very specifically. Interestingly, the Lord of the estate, Richard Southgard, wasn't sat at either heads of the table. Instead Rowan was seated at the northmost head, flanked to the west by Lena, and with his uncle on the east. I was sat directly next to Lena on the western flank of the table, with Cynthia directly across from me. One rank down, Oliver had also been placed on the western flank just to my right, with a man I hadn't yet met, Anders Aldermere, Cynthia's teacher, just across from him next to his old student. Lastly the Southern end of the table were the Highcastles. The Grand Minister himself, Morgan Highcastle sat at the furthest end, mirroring Rowan. To his west was his wife, Elizabeth, and lastly their ward, Aiden, to his east. 

I wasn't sure exactly what I expected of a man named 'Morgan Highcastle', but he did not disappoint. Wearing a regal dark navy suit, I could see what looked like Silencian military medals pined to his open jacket. He was adorned in a full waistcoat and necktie. His face had just enough stubble to give credence to the medals on his chest, his short hair, dark black, groomed back nicely in a way that nearly reminded me of my own father. Even on first impressions, he was an impressive man. 

His wife, while nowhere near as immediately captivating, did not disappoint either. Wearing similar levels of fine dress, her dark blue dress was adorned with dozens of clear jewels glimmering away as she moved. Her long hair curled, and wearing white silk gloves. Their Ward on the other hand, was much more ordinary. His attire while still formal, was much closer to something casual. A loose fitting dress shirt tucked in under a blue vest, and black dress pants. He looked a little younger than me, showing that youth with his generally uninterested demeanor as he leaned back in his seat. 

I sadly had very little chance to meet Aiden before we were sat down at the dinning room table. Now that we were all seated, it felt almost cruel that the one person I likely shared the most with was sat nearly the furthest away he could possibility be. 

There was an unspoken tension at the table as the first starters were arriving from the kitchen. The decision to put Morgan and Rowan at opposing ends of the table didn't feel like an accident, but I was lost as to it's meaning.

Once we had started eating, it wasn't long before conversation began. Cynthia's teacher, Anders, spoke up to open the discussion. Like Oliver had explained, they wanted to hear opinions on the current state of Crevicil, now that it had been nearly six months since the annexation.

"I think I speak for all of us when I say that we know it's in our best interest to fully assimilate the population of Crevicil into something more resembling what we have here, I mean . . . look at their society." He spoke with a tone of superiority. 

"I've actually found it's quite different from what I expected when I started my assignment down there." Replied Oliver in between bites of his meal. "The people there would surprise you, Lord Secretary."

"It's definitely been somewhat surprising," interjected Lena. "But, more than anything else, I've found it actually makes me feel like we're doing the right thing. The longer I spend there, the more I see how much we can improve the old systems, make something better for the mistreated populace." 

As the meal continued the conversation ebbed and flowed, unsurprisingly myself and Aiden were the most silent of the group, but interestingly The Grand Minister himself preferred to listen as well, letting the others at the table discuss freely as he observed, looking deep in thought.

"I think it's reasonable that we consider the cost and difficulty of full integration, though surely we can all be on the same page that it's what's required, no?" Asked Richard. 

"Of course we all agree! Mr. Norrington might raise some minor sympathies, but Rowan- your voice carries more weight than anyone's, after all I think we all know that at this moment you're basically the de facto Grand Minister of Crevicil. Surely you feel similarly?" Postured Anders, loudly.

The Secretary's comment surprised me. I wasn't entirely sure what exactly he meant, maybe he was just posturing Rowans power as a way to back up his own agenda. But regardless, if true it gave me some understanding as to why he was seated at the head of the table in such a way. I didn't realize that my guardian had been such an important man until this point.

Surprisingly, it was his own Nephew that spoke out in opposition to Richard's original statement. "I actually think there may be some wisdom in straying away from that path, uncle. I've been in Crevicil longer than anyone at this point, and the decision of full assimilation isn't one I think we should take lightly." 

"Really? I must say, I'm rather surprised to hear that, my boy." Replied Richard.

I could see surprised faces all around the table, even Lena looked mildly shocked, though there was something knowing about her eyes, like she was aware this was how her husband felt, but hadn't expected him to voice those feelings here and now. Anders on the other hand looked rather annoyed. For all his posturing about how obvious of a choice it was, the lack of consensus was clearly getting to him. Though it was as I was looking at the different reactions around the table that I saw Cynthia, keeping me under her watchful gaze, making it clear I was on a very short leash. 

Just as things started to heat up, the house staff arrived from the kitchen with the next course, putting a damper on things long enough for everyone to collect their composure. The next serving was a soup. Roasted duck, thick noodles, onion garlic broth. I was amazing, one of the best I'd ever had. 

Trying to continue the conversation, Anders attempted to garner more support from those around him, singling out Cynthia at one point who had up until that moment, stayed mostly silent. "I respect your views on the matter Rowan, but let's not forget just how stunted this society is. Mistress Arkinian, you're one of the most talented wielders of the Arkane I've ever had the pleasure of teaching, have you encountered anyone in the entire kingdom who even remotely has learned the disciplines of harnessing those powers? Even one?"

Cynthia looked calm and collected as she took a moment before answering her old teacher. "No, Secretary Aldermere. I haven't. As far as I understand it, the Crevician people have all but forgotten how to wield Magic." She stated clearly. Short and to the point. 

Anders gave a satisfied nod as he made his point. This continued for some time, with Oliver and Rowan trying to gently disagree with the others, and Anders growing more and more frustrated. Another course was served, and then another. The conversation continued without much consensus. I slowly found myself more and more making small eye contact with Aiden. He seemed to understand my exasperated looks, returning his own that conveyed just how bored he also was. As the fourth course was nearing it's end we locked eyes, and while nobody was looking, he stabbed his fingers into his neck in mock suicide, showing exactly his feelings on the situation. 'I know what you mean. . .' 

Before the main course was served, Elizabeth Highcastle started to take a bit more of an interest in her husband's stead. Asking questions to others at the table, while the Lord Minister continued to ponder all that was presented to him. "Lena, you've done quite an amount of social work in developing and organizing programs for the general populace? What do you think their feelings would be on the matter?" 

Lena beamed at the question, I had a feeling she reveled at the idea of using her own social programs to back up her point of view. "I'm so glad you asked, Elizabeth. Having worked quite a lot with others more directly on the ground in Crevicil, so many people have come to us asking for aid that they simply weren't getting under the old rule. The society was so unequal . . . honestly the idea of letting that kind of culture prosper, and the risk of some of the old structures returning because of it, I almost find that inhuman, to be honest. There will be people who resist, but we're doing this for them. It's in their best interest, they'll see." 

The way she spoke, it sent me back to our first trip to the capital together. The conversation we had, the way I accused everything that Lena was doing as stealing. Did I still believe that? To be completely honest, I wasn't sure.

Lena's answer on the other hand seemed to spark something within the Grand Minister's wife, and she turned to the most unexpected place to ask a question next; me.

"That's actually a very good point and raises a good question. Christina? You've lived in Crevicil all your life, but now have been living completely immersed in Silencian culture for, what? The last two or three months?" 

"Just under two months." Answered Cynthia with dry demeanor.

"Yes, well . . . having that rather unique experience, how do you feel about all this? About that change?" Asked Elizabeth.

I had keep a steady grip over myself in order not to panic. Lena said that I wasn't to interject unless directly called upon, and here was Lady Highcastle doing exactly that. I darted my eyes around the table. Aiden looked at me casually without much to say, Rowan seemed to be doing his best to say as little as possible, and Lord Highcastle was now watching me intently with patience. Giving a quick glance to Lena sitting beside me, she subtly reached for my hand under the table to give it a quick squeeze, showing me her support. Lastly as I turned away from my one guardian, I locked eyes with my other, and Cynthia's gaze told me that I had better tread carefully with the words I spoke next.

I took a deep breath and answered the question. "Well, it was a big shock, living with the Southgards at first. . . but I started to get used to it, eventually." 

Elizabeth seemed to delight in my answer. "That's so wonderful to hear, thank you darling. And after only two months even?"

Surprisingly Anders on the other hand seemed far less interested in what I had to say. "As lovely as that testimonial might be, and even if it supports what is obviously the correct course of action, I'm not sure how relevant it is. I doubt much anything useful can be learned from a ward." 

Aiden scoffed loudly at the statement, clearly discontent with the Secretary's views, but was seemingly ignored by the table as a whole. 

I glanced over to Rowan, and even Cynthia, unsure how they would react to what I considered to be such a rude statement towards myself and Aiden, but also shooting glances toward my counterpart's guardians, unsure how they would react to Aiden's outburst. But as a moment passed, nothing happened. As more moments passed I started to realize, that nothing was going to happen. I stared at Aiden, bewildered. How did he get away with something like that? I would have never imagined that kind of action without consequence, or at least a verbal warning. But as Aiden noticed me, he looked back confused, unsure what I was so amazed about.

With that, the main course was finally served, and the conversation on the matter started to die down some as everyone began to eat. Lamb, served over freshly baked loaves, potatoes and herbs, cooked to absolute perfection. Who ever planned this dinner clearly had hosted these kinds of meetings before. Full mouths was an excellent cure for dissenting voices.

It took some time, and while not entirely discussion free, eventually most everyone at the table found themselves finishing the main course, and without all that much time between, we moved right on the second last course of the meal. But it was at this point my heart sank a bit. 

Served to each of us was one of the smaller refresher courses, ordinarily some mixture of cheese, fruit, honey, or other similarly light foods. This course was entirely different assortments of blue cheeses. I hated blue cheeses. All my life any time I was at an event and was served blue cheese, I turned it away. The few times I had tried it, I nearly puked each time. Once I actually had puked. As the waiters came in with the dish and placed it before me, I could already smell it burning my nose. There was no way I could eat this.

At first I tried to turn around and get one of the waiters attention before they retreated back into the kitchen. But as I started to raise my arm, Lena was right there to snatch it back down. "What are you doing? Don't be rude, Christina. They have a job to do." She said in a hushed tone.

"But, I-" I started, wanting to explain myself to my guardian.

"What did I say? Not now, later." Lena hissed at me. Hearing her tone, I was taken aback. Not a moment later she returned the conversation at the table, her smiling face acting like nothing was wrong.

I felt my anxiety build within me. The way Lena acted almost scared me, and I didn't want to push her any more. It was best if I just stayed silent. But I looked back at the plate in front of me, the rest of the table already starting to dig in. Maybe if I just left it until the next course, the staff would come and take the plate away? As much as I hated the smell, I could handle that. It would be too long.

But as I sat and tried my best to wait patiently, I realized Cynthia staring at me from across the table. She pointed her eyes at my plate in a clear message to me. 'Christina, eat your food.' Looking back at her, all I could do was feel my heartbeat start to race, completely unsure of what to do.

For a moment I considered just swallowing both my discomfort and the food, get it over with so I didn't make a scene. But knowing the cheese in question, I was certain that if I tried to eat it, it would end in a much larger scene. I thought back to the one time I had embarrassed Lena in relation to her work once, and how angry she got. That would be nothing compared to now, I was certain.

But as I froze in uncertainty, Lena took notice again. "Go on, darling. It's extremely rude to refuse a meal like this." 

I broke away from Cynthia's gaze, turning back to Lean. I could feel heat gathering in my eyes as my mind was weighed from the pressure. "Please. . . I really don't wanna. . ." I whispered quietly, trying to avoid all confrontation. 

My wholly inadequate explanation did nothing to convince my guardian, but it was all I could muster. Lena's mood changed on a dime once again, as it was clear she was loosing her patience. "Christina, eat your dinner. Don't make me ask you again."

My guardian quickly returned to the conversation, putting back on her veneer of pleasantries. I forced my focus back to my plate, and started to fork one of the cubes of cheese. I brought it up closer to my mouth, and as I did the smell penetrated so deep into my nostrils that it took everything I had not to audibly gag. I looked up at Cynthia, who was still staring me down, shooting daggers across the table.

Lena took one final notice of me, this time wordless. She looked at me intensely, warning me what would happen if I didn't obey.

But I couldn't do it. "Please, don't make me eat this. . ." I whimpered. Begging, pleading, terrified.

Cynthia had enough. "Christina!" She yelled, while clicking her fingers with an all too familiar sound.

Snap

". . . Behave yourself." She finished.

Something was off . . . But I couldn't tell what. I had heard Cynthia snap like that so many times before, always to show me exactly how wrong I was. It always did its job, it always made me learn. But this time . . . I knew how upset my guardians must be with me, I knew how much they disapproved, but at the same time. . . I wasn't wrong. All I wanted was not to eat such a horrible food, even in part so that I didn't make a fool of my self and embarrass the Southgards. Even the sound, it used to ring in my head, plague me for hours after. But now the sound was gone, as quickly as it came. 

But I looked around, to see suddenly all eyes at the table were on me, all those whose attention I had until this point missed, fully aware and leering down at me from all sides, disappointed. Lena, Rowan, and Cynthia most of all. Without even glancing to my side, I could tell even Oliver was looking down at me the same way. 

It wasn't more than a single extended moment of awkward silence before the conversation cautiously picked back up. But even if the discussion had moved on, the crushing weight of my panic slowly collapsed on top of me. Tears burst forth from my eyes, and I couldn't contain myself as my sobs caught everyone's attention, silencing the room. 

"What did I do wrong?" I pleaded with my guardians between sobs. I was drowning, so completely lost in this sea of their expectations that I had no idea if I was swimming for surface or the bottom.

I could barely see it between tears, but Lena jolted up from her seat, red completely flushing her cheeks. I thought I heard her say some kind of apology to the group before grabbing my wrist, and pulling me from my seat. Taking us both out of the main dining room and into one of the adjacent corridors.

I couldn't help myself, but I was starting to feel my sobs grow less and less violent as we got away from the sea of prying eyes. But as I wiped away my tears with my dress sleeve, I could see Lena's face. She was not happy.

"Christina, enough with the temper tantrum. You need to behave, right now." She said, exasperated.

She stood over me, I was used to her making attempts to get on my level, but not now. I sat, speechless looking at my guardian. She was scaring me. I had no idea what to do, I wasn't sure there was anything I could do. I couldn't even stop myself from crying, my tears welling back up I could barely even see.

As moments passed with nothing but my sobs between us, Lena eventually broke and let out a sigh. She gripped her own dress sleeve in the palm of her hand, and knelt down to wipe away my tears. Seeing her frustrated demeanor subside, and her move to help me, it actually did something to make me feel more in control. . . But there was a catch. There's always a catch.

"I don't have time to deal with one of your episodes right now, Christina." She said, betraying her calming actions. "So I'm going to give you a choice"

Lena pulled back from wiping away my tears, and started searching down in her purse for something, I wasn't sure what. Seeming to have found it, she turned back to me. "I can either call for Mistress Ethel, who will go take you back to mine and Rowan's room until the dinner and discussion are over, watching you until we get back. . ." 

As she spoke the first option, I could feel the tears that had only just begun to subside start to build back up. Ethel, that prickly elderly woman terrified me. The idea of her watching me, with her domineeringly apathetic attitude terrified me. Being alone upstairs away from Lena, the only person who was in any way kind or protective of me, terrified me. I couldn't do it. I had to be near her. It was the only thing that made sense, the only thing.

" . . . Or, you can take this." Continued Lena, showing me what she had taken from her purse just a moment ago.

I blinked in stunned confusion. It was . . . a pacifier? A toddler's pacifier. There wasn't any confusing it, exactly the same thing that was given to crying babies to settle them down, and Lena was holding one in her hand. Offering it to me.

"You can use this, as a way to prove to me that you can listen, and that you can stay calm and quiet for the rest of the night. And since you so badly don't want to eat what's provided, you wont have to so long as you don't remove the paci from your lips. Not even once, otherwise I'll have Ethel come and take you upstairs for the rest of the night. Am I clear?" Finished Lena. She now held out the pacifier in an open palm towards me, with her other hand pointing her finger away from her, signaling both choices at hand. 

"The choice is yours to decide." Spoke Lena confidently.

"Can you be a good girl for me?"

I looked intensely at the pacifier that Lena now offered me. This was insane, this entire thing was insane. She was asking me to put a pacifier between my lips, and then follow her back into a political meeting that was deciding the future of my entire home. Everyone would see, everyone would know, and I would be doing it willingly! Heat rose in my face just thinking about it. This was insane . . .

But even the slightest consideration of the alternative . . . being sent away, being alone with Cynthia's older more terrifying counter part, being away from Lena . . . A weight grew in my chest and my breath started to race as even thinking about it filled me with pure child like panic. 

It was insane, and I was going to do it.

Sniffling back my own tears as I tried to breathe, I reached out my hand to take the pacifier. It was only for a second, but even through my teary eyes I could have sworn I saw a flash of a smile on Lena's face as she quickly pulled back her hand. But not even an instant later she still wore the same stern maternal look as before. 

"Ah-ah-ah, If you're going to be a good girl for me, then open up." She commanded, waiting patiently. At this point the added humiliation barely meant anything. I was too far in to stop now. I weakly opened my mouth just wide enough for Lena to do what needed to be done.

I wanted to look away, but I couldn't even muster that. My eyes glazed over as Lena slowly inserted the tip of the pacifier between my lips, the smooth rubbery surface gentle on my tongue. Pressing it in further, the shield forcibly pursed my lips, I didn't even need to suck on it, my mouth held motionless was enough to hold it in place. The nipple filled my mouth more than I even expected, pressing down my tongue but keeping my mouth open enough that even if I were to try to form words, they would be complete gibberish. Lena then pulled back her hand, letting her finger passively flick the pacifier's ring as she did. With the deed done, I looked back up into Lena's eyes, and I saw her once again. Her cold disapproving stare was gone, and she looked at me once more with maternal awe. Her eyes shone as she looked back at me, and gently took my chin in her hand, tilting it up just a small amount. 

"There's my little bird. . ." 

I said nothing, I knew I wasn't allowed. I just patiently waited knowing she would lead me back soon enough. As I thought about going back in there, a few more silent tears spilled out onto my cheeks.

After a moment more, Lena let go of my chin and took me by the hand, turning us around so we could make our way back to the dinner hall. It wasn't until this moment that I had realized Cynthia had followed us, and had been watching us the entire time.

My mind was scattered, and none of my thoughts felt complete, but as we walked back with Cynthia joining us, I could have sworn I heard Cynthia whisper something. "-Robin's, wasn't it?" Was all I caught. 

As we prepared to rejoin the dinner table, I gripped Lena's hand tightly with both of mine. We walked back into view of all the other attendees, and the only thing I could do was force my eyes down. At this point even my tears stopped flowing. Everything felt numb. Lena slowly led me back to our seats, pulling my chair out for me, as well as pushing me back in once I had seated. While the entire time I held her one hand, refusing to let go.

"I'm sorry for that, everybody. Christina just needed to be settled. There shouldn't be any more problems now though, I'm sure of it." Lena announced to the table.

 I couldn't even comprehend it, the way Lena was talking about me . . . The worst part was she wasn't even wrong. All of it, it wasn't even an insult or an implication or expectation, it was reality. I was a twenty-two year old woman, the daughter of one of the most powerful men in my kingdom, now sitting at a high societal political dinner . . . sucking on a pacifier. I forced my eyes to stay down, unable to face Oliver most of all. The one person here who had treated me with some level of respect, I was positive all of that was instantly gone. And it wasn't even something I could blame on others, it was my fault. I chose this.

But I couldn't have done anything else. I held Lena's hand in mine, knowing that no matter what else I had done, my actions that deserved my punishments. Regardless of what it was. That's why I needed Lena here with me. She would make it better, even when I couldn't see it. She knew what was right. 

Without any more delay, the conversation quickly returned to normal. I could hear Ander's voice go back to his incessant rambling, as Rowan started to interject. But it was all tuned out. Their words were nothing more than white noise. After a few seconds, Lena started to let go of my hand and pull away, but the instant I felt her grip loosen I tightened my own, refusing to let go. Lena looked back over to me, down into my eyes as I pleaded silently into hers. I saw her eyes shift as she watched me, looking for something within me, I prayed she found it.

At long last she smiled, and gave my hands a small reassuring squeeze. She turned back to the others and even started to join the conversation, but all the while under the table, she let her hand hold mine. 

Minutes passed as I sat there silently, and as I did I realized that as I held my guardian's hand, I started to absentmindedly suckle on the pacifier between my lips. Pressure around it growing, now firm and, somehow, comforting. 

Comforting. . . it was comforting, wasn't it? Even more strangely, as I sat there, holding Lena's hand, pacifier to calm me down, I felt safe. I let my eyes shift upwards, and around the table. Nobody was looking at me. No one, not even Cynthia held me with disappointment, or even expectation in their eyes. Even if I needed to speak out, I couldn't. I wasn't allowed. Nothing could hurt me, not even myself. I was. . . free. 

The sounds of the others started to wrap around me, slowly engulfing me as my mind grew calm. More and more the only thing I could feel was the blanket of noise from those around me, the soft pressure of the pacifier between my lips, and the warmth of Lena's hand nestling my own. The entire world started to feel less and less real, and I was better for it.

One of the last things I remembered seeing was Aiden's face as I glanced around the room one last time. For what felt like an instant, we locked eyes. There was something about the other ward, he looked at me so strangely. . . the same way I looked at the blue cheese I think . . . utter disgust? Somehow, from within the cover of noise from all around me, I picked something out from Aiden. He sighed before looking away, refusing to meet my eyes again. 

But none of that mattered, not to me.